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Welcome to the Old Lynn Community Blog v1.0
Hi all,
Well, here we all are at last! Thank you for visiting this perky little corner of cyberspace. My name is Polly, and I’ll be your guide for today. I am a reporter for Old Lynn’s premier newspaper, Quicklime News, and have been so for the past 3 years (give or take a month).
I was the first on the scene for many of the region’s recent milestone events and traumas (covering the great floods of 2009, exclusively reporting the Summer Silo Pact of 2010, the only regional reporter to gain access to the lurid court trial of ‘Evens’ Blackwell, etc.), so the former Old Lynn Town Forum persuaded me to spearhead the first Community Blog for the Old Lynn District, with consent from my own news team.
The Town Forum has also agreed to provide three other local contributors to this forum, representing diverse demographics of the community. Before I introduce you to my fellow authors, though, please let me introduce all you outsiders to our glorious town and its recent, colourful history.
2007 – Old Lynn Town undergoing massive regeneration. Focussing on the town centre only, millions of pounds were poured into the shops to provide all and sundry with some of the best retailers around. By Summer 2007, however, protesters hit the streets claiming that the money should have gone to the provision of better housing; many flats in the surrounding North and South areas were claimed as being in a state of near-ruin. Consumer power won through though, you’ll be glad to hear, and Old Lynn now provides the general public with the best mobile phone shops anywhere in the entire Eastern region (post-flood era, of course).
2008 – Floods that affected the Southern part of the country the year before now start to affect the entire Eastern region, hitting the entire coastal rim very hard indeed. 102.5 fatalities recorded. Religious groups respond to the great floods by taking to the streets to hold what is now referred to as the infamous ‘Sin Pollution’ marches. Some impassioned churchgoers are allegedly seen throwing human foetuses into some of the most flooded areas. Lurid media reportage, together with the regular over-zealous marches themselves, provoked a strong anti-Christian feeling in the area – and, indeed, throughout the country to a certain extent. The mood of the time was popularly expressed in the Channel 4 comedy/reality show ‘Punching Jesus in the Stomach’. Subsequently, by December 2009, Christianity in the Eastern region ebbed in its presence, and God-fearers attending the land’s churches shrunk in large numbers. Now, in present day 2012, only 42% of citizens who previously claimed to be of Christian belief still visit churches on a regular basis, some attending religious services under pseudonyms.
Well, here we all are at last! Thank you for visiting this perky little corner of cyberspace. My name is Polly, and I’ll be your guide for today. I am a reporter for Old Lynn’s premier newspaper, Quicklime News, and have been so for the past 3 years (give or take a month).
I was the first on the scene for many of the region’s recent milestone events and traumas (covering the great floods of 2009, exclusively reporting the Summer Silo Pact of 2010, the only regional reporter to gain access to the lurid court trial of ‘Evens’ Blackwell, etc.), so the former Old Lynn Town Forum persuaded me to spearhead the first Community Blog for the Old Lynn District, with consent from my own news team.
The Town Forum has also agreed to provide three other local contributors to this forum, representing diverse demographics of the community. Before I introduce you to my fellow authors, though, please let me introduce all you outsiders to our glorious town and its recent, colourful history.
2007 – Old Lynn Town undergoing massive regeneration. Focussing on the town centre only, millions of pounds were poured into the shops to provide all and sundry with some of the best retailers around. By Summer 2007, however, protesters hit the streets claiming that the money should have gone to the provision of better housing; many flats in the surrounding North and South areas were claimed as being in a state of near-ruin. Consumer power won through though, you’ll be glad to hear, and Old Lynn now provides the general public with the best mobile phone shops anywhere in the entire Eastern region (post-flood era, of course).
2008 – Floods that affected the Southern part of the country the year before now start to affect the entire Eastern region, hitting the entire coastal rim very hard indeed. 102.5 fatalities recorded. Religious groups respond to the great floods by taking to the streets to hold what is now referred to as the infamous ‘Sin Pollution’ marches. Some impassioned churchgoers are allegedly seen throwing human foetuses into some of the most flooded areas. Lurid media reportage, together with the regular over-zealous marches themselves, provoked a strong anti-Christian feeling in the area – and, indeed, throughout the country to a certain extent. The mood of the time was popularly expressed in the Channel 4 comedy/reality show ‘Punching Jesus in the Stomach’. Subsequently, by December 2009, Christianity in the Eastern region ebbed in its presence, and God-fearers attending the land’s churches shrunk in large numbers. Now, in present day 2012, only 42% of citizens who previously claimed to be of Christian belief still visit churches on a regular basis, some attending religious services under pseudonyms.
2009 – The Northern Area Scientology Monastery is formed by Scientology UK in January of this most momentous of years for Old Lynn citizens. Its inaugural celebratory event, to have been held for its 400-strong alliance at its holy Travolta Lodge Annexe, is sadly not to be. Extremely heavy flooding pounds the area and the event is cancelled (in fact, the Scientology community has yet to hold its celebration in full).
History bows its head at Old Lynn’s doomed Summer of ‘09. Roughly 59.9% of its land becomes submerged in at least 20 foot of water and slurry, leaving Norwich and Great Yarmouth isolated as sandbagged, extremely well-protected ‘Islands of Commerce’. Sony Ericsson opens its first, post-flood mobile phone shop on the Isle of Norwich in Winter 2009. Public morale was said to have been markedly improved as a result.
On the national news front, Victoria Cruise, aka Posh Spice, passes away peacefully in her sleep in December 2009, in her mansion in South Africa. The region mourns with the rest of the country and local communities pull together to make a memorial tapestry for the Scientology Monastery visitors area.
2010 – the year of ‘Business Relocation’. As nearly 60% of land in the area had been submerged by this point (see above '2009' entry), with still undetermined numbers of lives lost, businesses from all over the Eastern region were forced to relocate to Old Lynn District itself. Because of the lack of geographical space for the more well-to-do business chains and clientele, a housing grading system has to come into force – the iWANT scheme. Due to the vital importance of commerce (the international language, lest we forget), large groups of existing citizens, many of Polish migrant descent, are moved from their homes to more ‘rustic’ locales. Protests are surprisingly not widely organised in response, reportedly because there are not that many streets left to rally on in this now heavily sea-logged Eastern region.
By the end of the Summer of 2010, the business community group iBUY (now formally part of the electable local Borough Committee) pools their resources together and produces the now world-famous 'Silo Fields and Electricity Farms' to run the area’s extremely crowded land of retailers and industrial food chains. Can you imagine the resources needed for one small former fishing community to power a whole region’s worth of businesses? Needless to say, our Council succeeds in the creation of (what is already being regarded in the history books) one of the greatest commercial triumphs of the 21st Century.
2011 – The year of post-regeneration regeneration; “The town that picks its feet up from the flooded gutter and peers through the clouds of gloom to a brighter 'morro”. Business is booming as tourists flock to see our new, vibrant Marina and harbours. The CCTV Village, in rural outer Lynn, continues to attract overseas sightseers, and Swaffham becomes completely caged off after a 2-month trial run. The citizens of Swaffham are reported by Quicklime News at the time to be enraged by the Cageworks – at least for a while - before allegedly slipping back into their famous narco-comas and self-destructive post-feudal rage once again. Very few outsiders now venture into the quarantined “spit and sawdust market town” (as quoted by the recently reformed Stephen Fry), with only a few meat providers regularly making their anxious journeys to the centre’s still functioning butcher shops. Local “serial murderer” Leon Blackwell’s extremely controversial autobiography Evens hits the high street retailers, detailing two decades of his horrific torture and killings of the region’s citizens and minor celebrities. The infamous tome’s Chapter 24 is never officially released as part of the book, being banned from publication by the High Court, but Waterstones’ website briefly sells the illegal, unexpurgated hardback version in error (for 5 days). Local avant-garde pop group Dogs Die in Hot Cars release the single “I’ve Read Chapter 24” in November 2011, reaching number #2 in the download charts.
2012 – Well, there we go! A lot has happened to our thriving community in the past 5 years, with the world’s eyes upon us. And, no doubt, this small community blog may well help document our positive future lives from this point on. Onwards and upwards!
Polly Blank x
[Quicklime Offices]
January 2012
BLOG CONTRIBUTORS:
Okay, Polly dear, let’s get on with introducing our kind visitors to our blog contributors and residents at large…
SENIOR SCYTHE - “a late-pensioner with a taste for all things nostalgic. And I like dogs.”
CALUM SK8ER - “Yo Mofo. A yoof wit da 9 Azboz and 1 parkng fine (evn tho I dunt drive innit), telln it like it iz.” 
LEON BLACKWELL – “Author, raconteur and former local serial murderer. It is agreed by the local Town Forum that I can be allowed to contribute to the blog, to help with my reintegration into society after a well-documented spell in the clink. Which is nice.”
POLLY BLANK – “Me! I’ll be your ringmaster throughout, as it were.”I’ll speak to you all again real soon, and thanks again for visiting what promises to be the best local blog around.
Here’s to a new year and a new online presence for one of the nation’s fastest-growing communities!
Polly Blank xx
[Quicklime Offices]
January 2012
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